Tobi Emonts-Holley
Hi, my name is Tobi and I live in Edinburgh, Scotland. I moved here from Germany when I was 19 and I met my wife on my first day here. I came to volunteer for a non-profit, which I am now honoured to run as the CEO (100+ employees supporting adults with additional support needs). While working here, I also went to University and somehow ended up with a PhD in Economics, but the most fulfilling part of my life is my family. We have 6 children, aged 9 months to 12 years (3 boys and 3 girls).
What does your normal working day look like?
My usual routine is:
Wake up 4.55am, 30mins journaling & planning the day. Then head out for a workout in my home gym or go for a run. Staying fit is essential to be the best husband and dad I can be and having that time in the morning provides me with the fuel to serve my family and the business for the rest of the day.
6.30am breakfast with the family, followed by meal prep (lunch and dinner).
8am I do the school run and start work at 9am.
I usually do a school pick-up during my lunch break and then work for the rest of the afternoon. The kids have a ton of activities in the afternoons (I guess it feels that way because there are so many): ballet, judo, piano, basketball, etc. I spend most of my afternoons as a dad taxi and work in the car while I wait for them.
Evening dinner as a family is a must to check-in with everybody and just be together. Then we aim to either play games with the kids or read stories together. In the summertime, we are outside a lot and sometimes go for an after-dinner walk.
I work again 20.00-21.30 most evenings and then spend an hour with my wife before going to bed.
How long have you had this routine?
5+ years. Ever since we had our first child, I’ve been up early, but the strict routine that I have now became a must after we had baby #4.
How has it changed as your children have gotten older or as your family has grown?
We had a 4-year gap between baby 4 and 5, so felt we could ease up a bit and get the older ones more involved. Then with 2 more babies, we were back in survival mode. It has been really satisfying to see how teaching the kids food prep and tidying up after themselves is paying off. We try and get everybody involved and show them how we can get the chores done super fast when we all work together.
What boundaries have you set around your work, and how did you work with your colleagues to enable them?
My work situation is very unique. We live on the premises of the company we work for as we endeavour to share our lives with the people we support. It’s hugely rewarding and helps all of us to live fuller life. It does make the boundaries with work harder though for sure. But we see what we do more as a vocation rather than a job.
Having said that, having daily and weekly clearly protected times for just the kids and my wife is non-negotiable.
What systems do you have in place to have a successful day?
My morning routine makes or breaks the day for me. Having time to recharge, plan my day, and get exercise in is key. Equally, I make sure my wife has that time too. We want to be fit and healthy parents.
On a technical side, I have a “Life OS” in Notion, which helps me stay on top of what I need to do.
Switching to weekends, what are the most important things to get right to have an excellent weekend day?
A perfect weekend is one where we are all together. Share meals, go for walks, play outdoors (basketball, go kayaking, skateboarding), have a movie night, a game night and start the week with a clean house. Also, essential is to have a quick Sunday meeting for my wife and I to make sure we know of any special meetings, school plays, birthday parties, etc.
How do you "turn off work" and give the kids your full attention?
By being very deliberate about not having my phone on me, picking up a book with them or just hanging out in their bedrooms. Equally, time in nature is something we all enjoy a lot.
What have been the most impactful things you've done to save time / energy in your family?
Batch cook all meals in the morning. It’s a sprint but frees us up for the rest of the day. Workout from home.
What principles have served you best in your parenting?
I live by Jocko’s ‘Discipline Equals Freedom’. The more disciplined I am with myself, the more freedom I have for my family. This is about being disciplined with my diet, fitness, finances, time management, and household organisation. My aim is to have as much time and energy as possible to dedicate to my family and do whatever makes us grow a stronger family bond.
When you feel overwhelmed as a parent, what do you do?
I love to use box breathing when I feel personally overwhelmed. Spending time in nature is always helpful and talking to my wife helps us both deal with overwhelm. We have a standing date once a week to go for a mid-morning walk and one to go through our diaries. This changed our lives.
What is your approach to screen time?
No phone when I get up and before bed. I put my phone in black-and-white mode during the day to make it less appealing.
How do you handle hard behaviour e.g. tantrums?
The best approach we found is to use humour. I make fun of myself and try to distract them.
What parenting 'failure' did you learn the most from?
Bringing back emotional baggage from work and being annoyed at the kids for something small that didn’t warrant my response. I try and reflect on my behaviour every day (journalling in the morning) to make sure I stay calm and be a fun dad and supportive husband.
Is there a primary parent in your household or do you split the parenting evenly?
My wife is the best parent out there. She’s kind, hard-working, and always puts her kids first. I try and follow her lead. We do try and split the parenting as evenly as possible. Cooking, doing laundry, driving the kids around, attending school plays, doing homework with them, etc. We had kids to be with them and have tried to design our lives that way.
If there is an even split between parents, how do you divide the work and make sure that it is fair?
My wife and I have worked together since the first day we met. First, we both worked caring for other people and needed to do that as a team. Then we transitioned into parenthood and kept that going. We’ve always been a great team and that has allowed us to have a large family and remain in a happy relationship, which keeps getting better over the years.
What is your process for updating your parenting model as a child's needs or a parent's needs change?
We use our holidays to reflect on where we are as a family and as a couple and make adjustments where we see necessary. My wife is an incredibly intuitive person and her judgment has guided us successfully.
What is your most life-changing parenting purchase under $100?
A $12 plastic tray that clips into the steering wheel of our car. Lets me work while the kids are attending their sports clubs.
What is your top trick for making it through long road trips?
Audiobooks. The best are ones everybody enjoys (our favourite is the Harry Potter series)
What is something unusual or unique that you do in your family?
We don’t pay our kids pocket money/allowance. They earn points for household chores (extra ones for a good attitude whilst doing them) and then get money at the end of the week for that.
What piece of advice do you give to all new parents? What advice should they ignore?
Ask how others have done XYZ and then find your way. Never compare yourself to others or feel intimated by what others are doing.
Tobi writes a weekly newsletter that helps individuals build systems to forge a more productive, healthy & fulfilling life. Check it out and read more of his work here or follow him on Twitter.