Payal Dube
Payal is a Specialist Registrar in Obstetrics & Gynaecology, working and training in the East of England. She lives in North London with her husband, Rohan, and two daughters, aged 3 years and 3 months.
What does your normal working day look like?
On a normal working day (before I started maternity leave with my second daughter), I would work from 8 am until approximately 5 pm. I would leave for work before my daughter woke up, so Rohan would get her up and ready and drop her off at preschool at 9 am. One of us would pick her up at 6 pm, depending on who could beat the traffic back! Between 6 and 8 pm, one of us would sit with her for dinner and do her bedtime routine while the other made dinner or handled other chores. Who did which on any given day would depend on her and our moods, and of course, she would chip in with tasks wherever she could! Rohan and I would then have dinner together at 8 pm and spend the rest of the evening together. This routine has, however, had to remain very flexible for us, as it is not uncommon for me to get stuck at work for longer, and when I work long days or nights (both are 13-hour shifts), Rohan has to pick up the slack.
How long have you had this routine?
Two years since returning to work after my first maternity leave until starting my second.
How has it changed as your children have gotten older or as your family has grown?
Now that I’m on maternity leave, the balance of chores and childcare has shifted back towards me, although Rohan still does the majority of preschool runs to make life easier for me. I also envisage a lot of change in the routine in the coming year as we move house, my younger daughter starts nursery, I return to work, and my older daughter starts school.
What boundaries have you set around your work, and how did you work with your colleagues to enable them?
The biggest change I have made with work is switching to part-time once I became a Registrar. This made a huge difference to my work-life balance, particularly as I started working 1 in 6 weekends instead of 1 in 3, and a working weekend means I don’t see my daughter at all over that weekend.
What are the most important things for you to get right to have a successful day?
Stick to the routine as far as possible.
Switching to weekends, what are the most important things to get right to have an excellent weekend day?
Maintain the kids’ routine in terms of mealtimes, sleep, etc. but slot in other activities at sensible times in and around these things. Try and fit in something fun every weekend to help us all to relax and enjoy our time together.
How do you "turn off work" and give the kids your full attention?
Fortunately, being a hospital doctor means I can largely leave my work at work, but I can slot any additional work into my weekday off days.
Do you have anything that works particularly well in your childcare situation?
As I’m bound to the rota with its particular shift patterns and times, and work in an area where unforeseen circumstances frequently result in working late, having a partner who is self-employed and therefore flexible has been a lifesaver for me. Having a childcare setting that covers longer hours has also been essential for us.
What has been the most impactful thing you've done to save time / energy in your family?
Batch cooking and freezing my daughter’s food so I know she’s always getting nutritious food, but I don’t have to spend hours cooking every day.
What principles have served you best in your parenting?
Following a routine has been very important for stability. Both parents learning to do everything is essential for flexibility, as well as setting an example. Speaking to our daughter using normal language rather than ‘baby talk’ has not only helped her linguistic skills, but also helps build a more mutually respectful relationship.
How do you handle hard behaviour e.g. tantrums?
Remain calm, get down to their level, offer comfort and continue to speak to them clearly and properly.
Is there a primary parent in your household, or do you split the parenting evenly?
Generally split evenly.
If there is an even split between parents, how do you divide the work and make sure that it is fair?
It isn’t really about making sure it’s fair for us. We just do our best to work as a team in the most sensible and effective way possible. For example, I look after the kids’ health because it’s an area I know more about, while Rohan does more drop-offs and pick-ups because it makes more sense for him to do that.
What is your top trick for making it through flights?
Make sure they’re eating/drinking during take-off and landing to prevent their ears from hurting. Bring as many different snacks/finger foods as you possibly can. For babies, dummy clips are great for attaching toys to them, saving you from spending the whole flight picking things up. For toddlers, activity books with stickers and games will help them pass the time, and if you’re going to allow some screen time, don’t forget to get suitable headphones. Timing flights with sleep has also worked well for us.
What piece of advice do you give to all new parents? What advice should they ignore?
One thing that has worked wonders for us is building a routine and sticking to it. Having said that, it’s also worth noting that everyone has their own ideas and beliefs about what you should and shouldn’t do as parents, but there is no one right answer, so do what feels right for your family and don’t let other people push you into doing anything.