Adam Fishman
Adam is a Product and Growth advisor with a 20-year career as an operator for companies like Lyft, Patreon, and Imperfect Foods. He also teaches courses through Reforge and has a newsletter on product, growth and parenting while working at FishmanAFNewsletter.com. This year he started a podcast called Startup Dad (startupdadpod.com), where he interviews Dads who are also company leaders and talks to them about fatherhood. He lives outside of San Francisco with his partner Arielle, two kids ages 8 and 11, dog, and guinea pigs.
What does your normal working day routine look like?
My day starts around 5am when I wake up and either do some work or get some exercise. I get my kids up and walk them to school, then start work again around 9am. Chores are interspersed throughout my day – I try to block off time at lunch and in the afternoon for both chores (laundry, dishes, dog walking, etc.) and focused work like writing. Family time usually starts around 4:30 or 5pm after I pick up the kids from their after-school program and take them to various activities (sports and dance are the big ones). A “typical” day (if there is such a thing) is usually ~8 hours of work and ~4-5 hours of quality family time. Mealtimes are especially important in our house so we usually make sure to spend breakfast and dinner together each day.
How long have you had this routine?
I only recently started waking up at 5am (maybe ~6 months ago), and it has been a game-changer for me. To get up at 5am I need to be in bed and sleeping no later than around 10:30 or so. Ideally, it’s closer to 10 and some days I'm so tired it’s 9:30 🙂.
How has it changed as your children have gotten older or as your family has grown?
The biggest change was probably when the kids got to elementary school age. I took on a more flexible working arrangement about 3 years ago, allowing me to flex my schedule to be available for critical morning and evening times, prep meals, do chores, transport kids, etc. Before that, we had more help in the house – an au pair for a few years and a nanny before that. My wife has always had a demanding and unpredictable schedule, so we need some flexibility somewhere.
What boundaries have you set around your work, and how did you work with your colleagues to enable them?
I struggled with setting boundaries as a full-time operator. It was especially hard when I was the only one who had kids and worked for younger founders who didn’t yet have children or people who did but had a different approach to being present or maybe had a spouse who was the primary caregiver. The best thing I started doing was being clear that my kids and family are important to me, and I will be fully unreachable before certain hours of the day and then for certain hours in the evenings. I would get back online after they went to bed and work several more hours, but that pace wasn’t long-term sustainable.
What systems do you have in place to have a successful day?
First, I work from home, which is a huge enabler of extra time for me because I’m not wasting it commuting. The second is that I live and die by my calendar – everything is blocked off, color-coded, and scheduled, including all the kids' activities, transport time, appointments, and working blocks.
Getting a part-time admin was also one of the best decisions I have made professionally – I use a service called Squared Away that employs military spouses in a part-time capacity. Feels great to help employ folks like that, and it has greatly reduced my administrative tasks–like the calendar organization above–so I can focus on the things I’m uniquely good at and passionate about. On the home front, we have a fairly routinized schedule (that I mentioned above), so every day is pretty clear for us.
One final system we have is that as our kids have gotten older we’ve engaged them in doing some basic chores for themselves – like packing school lunches, emptying/loading the dishwasher, and helping make the grocery list.
Switching to weekends, what are the most important things to get right to have an excellent weekend day?
With our kids at the age they are, our weekends are filled with activities – usually sports because all of the games are on weekends. Most important is that my wife and I communicate with each other about the plan for the weekend and carry the calendaring right into Saturday and Sunday. We both try to get a little more sleep, but I like to play ice hockey on Sundays, which is often early in the morning. I’ve been playing since I was 5, so that is an important part of my life.
It’s important that my wife and I spend quality time together since the weekdays can be quite packed. That could be just the two of us eating dinner together, having a date night, or just taking a walk. Going out for date night requires a sitter, of course, but our kids are old enough now that we feel fine going for a walk through the neighborhood and having them stay at home.
What systems / hacks do you have in place to make work and parenting easier?
Probably not nearly enough! If you’re privileged enough to be able to, I think outsourcing as much of the routinised, non-value-add activities is really helpful. We order groceries most of the time instead of going to the store; we calendar everything, and we have about 10-15 different meals that are really easy to rotate through, so we don’t have to overthink it. The other big thing is leftovers! We always make a lot more food, so it lasts for a few days in a row.
How do you "turn off work" and give the kids your full attention?
I have always had a hard time with this. My primary tool is putting my phone somewhere else, turning on focused mode, or just generally getting engaged in something with the kids so that I’m not tempted to let my focus drift. We like to do mentally stimulating things like play board games, cards, and build puzzles. Hard to check your phone when you need both of your hands!
Do you have anything that works particularly well in your childcare situation?
We had an au pair during the start and peak of the pandemic. That was a lifesaver for us, and I highly recommend it if you can handle having someone else living in your home and you have the space. Now we leverage the after-school programs at our kids’ school and don’t feel guilty about it because the kids absolutely love it. Sometimes they tell me to go home and come back later if I try to pick them up too early.
What have been the most impactful things that you've automated or outsourced in your family?
This is a little selfish for me, but the biggest breakthrough was when we got our kids to start packing their lunches every day. For years I made lunches every night and it just became such an undesirable chore. It’s not outsourcing, per se, but our kids are more likely to eat what they pack, and it teaches them some responsibility. Regarding other outsourcing – we’ve gotten help planning big family vacations. There are great travel planners, and my admin can help with some of the tasks, too. Not fully outsourced (trust, but verify… ya know?!?), but we’re happy to hand off some of the more nightmare logistics.
What principles have served you best in your parenting?
I took a parenting class on positive discipline when our kids were young – I’m more of a classroom learner than a book learner these days, so that worked for me. It taught me a lot about modelling the right behavior (kids are a sponge for what you do and how you act), how to problem solve (the PESOS framework from that class was life-changing both personally and professionally; linked here). Most importantly, it is just lowering expectations with kids. I mean this in the best way possible, but things go wrong all the time when you’re a parent. I had to learn to stop letting it bother me so much and just roll with the chaos more!
How do you think about how your work impacts your parenting?
It’s one of the main reasons that I stepped out of the full-time, in-house world several years ago for flexibility. I had a hard time compartmentalizing the stress and always-on nature of the startup world so that I could give my kids my best self. I’m much happier now and build my life around my family vs. the other way around. This decision was risky at the time – there’s something comforting about a stable role with a predictable salary, health benefits, etc. especially when you benefit from that predictability. But at the same time, I felt like the leadership roles were starting to lose some of their luster – I was getting tired of some of the dysfunction at the executive ranks of startups and the politicking. I found a new passion in teaching and advising companies. I get to work on growth, product and scaling challenges with companies vs. the peripheral challenges that made me feel like I was treading water.
How do you set and follow through with 'consequences'?
Consistency is really important and also something that we don’t nail 100% of the time. I think my tendency is to jump to really outsized consequences for things, but often that ends up being more about my frustration in the moment than what makes logical sense. In our house we try to make sure that expectations and agreements are clear. And then we can remind the kids if they’re not following through on an agreement we had. Natural consequences are also best – letting kids experience making a mistake (leaving their coat at home when its cold after 15 reminders) is pretty powerful. Kids know that they messed up and often that can be enough to get them to correct the behavior in the future.
What is your approach to screen time / technology?
We’ve had different perspectives on this over time. We’re not opposed to screen time because it’s going to be a part of their lives, even much more than it was a part of ours. We think responsible and measured usage is important (everything in moderation!), and we are talking to the kids about responsible screen time. At the same time, I really enjoy doing things like playing video games with my son. I played a ton of video games when I was a kid, and I was also an athlete and a straight-A student. So it’s all possible! I think they can be educational and teach a growth mindset. We also really enjoy watching movies together as a family. We’re exposing our kids to a bunch of movies that we watched when we were kids, and it’s so fun to watch them enjoy them like we did.
Is there a primary parent in your household, or do you split the parenting evenly?
There’s no primary parent in our household. Both my wife and I work, and her job (attorney) is more demanding than mine most of the time. I also don’t think that the work is split evenly – it’s just not something we keep track of anymore now that our kids are getting older because I don’t think keeping score like that really does either of us any good. If I had to say what I gravitate towards, it’s the logistical aspects of parenting: daily chores, meals, medicines, school forms, pickups/drop-offs and getting kids to/from activities, appointments, etc. One thing that I definitely believe to be true is that regardless of the visible work that is happening, my wife carries more of the mental / emotional labor for the kids. Probably the most challenging thing is that with a lot of our friends, the Mom is the primary parent when it comes to running the household, and so even if I’m the one planning the playdates, my wife will get sucked into that, and we’ll have to extricate her. I find this really frustrating as a Dad who leans in a lot at home.
What is your top trick for making it through flights?
This is pre-screen time. It was a rotating set of small activities and an endless (and I mean endless) supply of snacks. Basically, pulling a new activity or snack out of a bag every 15-30 minutes. Maybe more frequent. You need a Mary Poppins bag that can fit a lot of stuff.
What routines / games / practices do you have in your family to make your children feel loved?
We still do a lot of nighttime activities with our kids at bedtime. Reading, snuggling, hugs, and just sitting and talking to them about their day. This is often the time that our kids open up the most with us and tell us the good and bad of their day. I find that being curious about them is one way to feel connected with each other – I like to ask my kids what the most interesting thing that happened to them during the day was.
What book has been most influential for you as a parent?
Early on it was Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen). Now, I’m finding a lot of value in the book Range which talks about how generalists can thrive. It’s not necessarily about parenting but it has a lot of lessons about how to expose your kids to a wide range of things and not burn them out by over-specializing in certain activities too early.
What piece of advice do you give to all new parents? What advice should they ignore?
Ignore most of the “do this, not that” stuff you read online. In fact, ignore the internet all together. And don’t read parenting tips on Instagram. That’s a false narrative!